


Red

by darkangel_silvermoon



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coping, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 18:05:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18579769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangel_silvermoon/pseuds/darkangel_silvermoon
Summary: Scar tissue isn’t just physical. Reid never told anyone—why would he?





	1. The Freak

**Author's Note:**

> So, I’m slowly cleaning up my fics from ff.net and transferring them to ao3. This story deals with slightly graphic sexual/ physical abuse of both Derek and Spencer- so if that’s triggering to you, please turn away now. Thank you for taking the time to read. Comments and kudos are all appreciated.

_**He coughs; spit and blood mixing down his chin. He grunts, already trying to push himself up, dirt and gravel biting his skin.** _

_**"You just don't quit, do you pixie?"** _

_**He tucks into himself a little too late as steel toe boot connects to groin.** _

_**He gasps, trying to find the air...trying to remember how to breathe again. But his lungs aren't cooperating. Tears streak the sepia stains.** _

_**"I'll teach you...always-" There is the clink of a belt buckle, the obscene hiss of a zipper bottoming out.** _

_**"Spouting off at the mouth." The rustle of pants shucked down.** _

_**Public high school for a genius...no one ever remembers the pioneers. This is taking one for the team.** _

_**He bellows as he's pulled up by his hair, grunting as his mouth is forced open...** _

_**There are going to be bruises, blooming black and blue, sickly green...and the scars beyond the surface.** _

_**Scars that will never heal.** _

///

"Who hasn't heard the story of the misunderstood smart kid who gets assaulted just because...he's different. Another sob story in the bucket." Reid rips the label off his water bottle.

Morgan leans forward, stilling Reid's hand.

"Kid, you've never told-"

Reid snaps back.

"Did you?" He hisses. Morgan's face draws in a grimace.

“I didn't stop him. He did it. It's over." Reid's hand twitches under Morgan's caress.

"I could have told, but that just would have brought attention to my family. I had to protect my mom. She's the only thing I have." Reid looks down at the scraps of paper piled between them.

Morgan sighs.

"You keep somethin' that bottled up, it screws with you...I know." His body feels heavy as he remembers Carl's hands. What he did. What he was made to do.

"And you don't think anyone wants to hear- I mean somebody had to see the changes in you-ya know? But you sweep all the shit under the rug. Pretend it never happened and you'll do everything possible to protect yourself from the pain." Morgan's shoulders sag as he looks up to give Reid a small smile.

"You didn't deserve that kid. You had it hard enough. I'm sorry."

Reid's breath hitches as he tries not to cry.

"No need to apologize. It's not like you're the one who used me for a sex doll." Reid makes to get up from Morgan's kitchen table. Morgan grabs his wrist.

"Where do you think you're going?" His voice ghosts.

"I should get home. It’s getting late. I'll see you in the-" Reid tries to beg off. Morgan loosens his grip, shaking his head.

"Nope. You’re staying here. I wouldn't mind the company."

"How is it that whenever there's some major emotional revelation on my part, there's a sleepover to follow?" Reid chuckles softly.

Morgan rolls his eyes.

"What can I say- I like to cuddle." Morgan jokes.

"You seriously don't mind?" Reid asks as he goes to grab his go bag from out of Morgan's dirt room.

"It's nice to wake up next to somebody, even if it is a bean pole with awesome hair." Morgan tries to shake Reid's stare as he straightens.

"What?" Morgan moves to the sink, avoiding the gaze.

"Thank you." Reid whispers. He wants to hug Morgan, but he's pretty sure at this moment, he'd cross some invisible line. And he always seems to do that.

"No problem kid, whatever helps right?" Morgan shrugs as he turns back to clean off the table.

Usually it's Morgan's job to be the tactile one. Tackling, teasing, touching...

Reid wraps his arms around Morgan's muscled frame, and Morgan leans into the touch. He presses his chin into the crook of Reid's neck, closing his eyes.

Reid feels Morgan's arms encircle him and his hands trek the expanse of his back.

It's okay to touch.

There's nothing wrong with them.

They will be okay...someday.


	2. When Singled Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: sexual and physical abuse in this chapter

**_It started with little things..._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Name calling like "nerd," "bookie," "geek,""Spock," "pixie," "fag"..._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Stealing personal items: text books, homework, money._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_It progressed naturally to shoving, hitting, kicking... cuts above the eye, broken glasses, torn clothing-_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Spencer couldn't defend himself bodily, so, he padded himself with words._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Big words, small words, sentences, phrases, passages._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_He refused to fight- what good would that do, other than inflame the situation. No, words were his weapon of choice, and NO ONE could take that away from him._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ ****_///  
_ ****_  
_ **_His name was Jamie Bartlet._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_It seemed as if he could pick Spencer out of any crowd, going out of his way to harm him._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_And Reid would strike back with words._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Jamie was a bull of a boy, and he would use that to his advantage._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Reid had sickly bruises blooming in the most unlikely of places, the curve of his elbow, the crook of his neck, the round of his ass._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Muscling Spencer to do his dirty will, a strong hand gripping his shoulder as he presses him down to his knees._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_"If you bite, I'll make sure everyone knows what a girl you really are." Jamie hissed as he unzipped his fly, his erection straining at the threads._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Spencer closes his eyes, willing himself to be anywhere else but here._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_Three more months and he's gone. Three months and his hell would be over. Three more months and he's off to University._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_After the first time, Spencer went numb, choking and sputtering for air as the salty bitter spray hit the back of his throat._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_After the first time, there was more. There were hands and tongue and hurt...so much hurt. He had to disassociate the feeling of his body and the acts themselves... even if he's not sexual now, he doesn't want every intimate act to be tainted by this...torture._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_After the first time...Reid's mouth always felt used. He felt dirty...but there was no one to tell. So he bore the pain...because, there was no one to protect himself but himself._ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_And that would have to be okay._ ** ****_  
  
_

**_///_ **

  
Morgan scoffs as Reid towels his hair on the edge of his bed.   
  
"What?" Reid cracks a grin.   
  
"You look like a drowned rat." Morgan laughs as he grabs an extra pillow from his closet.   
  
"You've used that line before." Reid smirks as Morgan rolls his eyes.   
  
"Show off." Morgan sticks out his tongue.   
  
Reid's brow furrows.   
  
"Do you have-"   
  
"Right here." Morgan goes to his dresser and takes out his pullover from college. Reid gives Morgan a small smile. The thing swamps Reid, but Reid doesn't seem to mind.   
  
In truth, it's soft and smells like Morgan. It's comfortable. Not that Reid would ever admit to that. Morgan says nothing as he hands over the shirt.   
  
"Alright, scoot-" Morgan says as Reid's head pops from the sweater. Something shifts in Morgan's chest as Reid scoots under the covers, taking his place. Morgan slides in next to him, encircling his arm around Reid's waist.   
  
This is just comfort. Friends helping friends getting through the rough patches. At least, that's what Morgan tells himself as he snuggles close to Reid, reveling in the warmth that the contact brings.   
  
"Kid?" Morgan murmurs softly. Reid cranes his neck so he could look up at Morgan.   
  
"Yeah?" He lay his head on Morgan's chest, counting heartbeats.   
  
"Thank you for you know...trustin' me. It means a lot." Morgan strokes Reid's hair. Reid nods.   
  
"Ditto." He blinks, yawning. "Thank you for trusting me too." He buries his face in Morgan's side.   
  
Morgan yawns, hugging Reid tight; the night wrapping around them both as they sleep.


	3. it Filters Through (Part I)

Morgan's startled awake by the warmth he feels.

Another body.

They're snuggled close as their body rises and falls with sleep.

He doesn't need a girl attached to him, expecting something he can't give. The sad thing is, he doesn't remember picking up a girl last let alone sleeping with her...

As he blinks, he tries to think of excuses he need to get out of whatever he did last night.

And then he realizes two things.

One: He didn't sleep with a girl.

Two: It's Reid nestled next to him.

And his body relaxes as he enjoys the heat thrown off from Reid's skin. He hugs Reid closer.

Reid shifts, spooning against Morgan; Morgan presses his chin to the top of Reid's head loving the softness of his hair.

Morgan shivers.

He likes Reid...in general.

His heart flutters at the internal acknowledgment. Feelings he's been trying to tamp down forever.

He likes Reid.

Reid yawns, rolling over to face Morgan.

"Ah!" Reid jerks as he fumbles out of the bed.

Morgan dies laughing as he scoots over to the edge to look down at a nonplussed genius sprawled out on the floor.

"Kid...you're high strung." Morgan gawfs as Reid scowls. Morgan lends him a hand, pulling him up off the floor.

He likes the way Reid looks so...disheveled in the morning. Not as kempt as he's become of late. 

Reid rumples his hair as he straightens his crooked sleep pants. 

Morgan closes his eyes at the images of naughty going ons pop into his head...that is not the way you think of you straight best friends.

"Good morning to you too."Reid croaks.

"Good morning Pretty Boy." Morgan chuckles. "I'll go make some coffee." He pads out of the room. 

He laughs as Reid's face perks up at the mention.

 

///

Reid hums quietly to himself as he stirs sugar into his coffee; second cup this morning— the first at work.

Morgan makes better coffee, he decides as he takes a sip.

The hair raise on the back of Reid's neck.

Someone's watching.

No. Morgan's watching.

His stomach kicks as he turns.

"Want some?" Reid raises a brow as he offers Morgan the mug; a smile flirting on his lips.

Morgan gives Reid a small smile as he leans against the door frame. He bites his lip, nervously taking a breath.

"What,do I have something-" Reid brushes at his mouth.

Morgan frowns.

"No."

"Derek?" Reid's eyes flick to Morgan's mouth, staying there. Morgan shutters as Reid searches – for what?

His heart ticks in his throat.

"I-" his voice is gruff as he pushed off the wall.

"Salutations my sweets. My shining knights are wanted at the….round...table. Am I interrupting?" Garcia slows her roll. She kisses Morgan on the cheek and ruffles Reid's hair.

"No-" Morgan breaks his gaze from Reid. He turns and walks out of the room.

"What's up with my chocolate love bunny?”Garcia asks, pout on her face. 

"I don't know." Reid says softly, shrugging his shoulders. He follows Garcia to the roundtable.

///

There was before...and after.

Even before Carl, Derek had an inkling that he liked guys. 

His eyes would wander over to Jason when they played football; traveling the flat plane of his chest as they played shirtless.

Hell, it was normal to get kinda hard while rough housing, right?

The rubbing and touching and all...right?

So why did he get sick late at night when the thought of doing things with Jason, or Zavon, or Two- Bit got him harder than any girl could ever make him.

The thought would send him reeling in bliss and shame so bad. He swore to god he'd never do it again...but he always did.

And then Carl found him...picked him up out the gutter.

Derek told himself it was just payback...for all the dirty thoughts.

Paying back what was given; this was a duty, a way out.

All he had to do was bear it and he'd be free.

And then there was College...the late nights...drunken sloppy kisses, tangled limbs and hot shame to chase it down.

Trying to fix this swirl of emotions that he just didn't know what to do with.

Trying to erase the hurt and damage he's done.

So after a string of girls...women really, he'd allow himself to fool around with a guy...nothing serious.

Just open mouthed kissing and a bit of petting below the belt.

And there's now.

Reid's bringing to the surface emotions and feelings he thought he had a grip on. Thought he buried long ago.

But here they are...and he's drowning in them.

He's wanted Reid...physically and emotionally, for so long now, he can't remember when it all started.

Actually, that's a lie.

It started the day they met. Reid nervous and jumpy, wet behind the ears...

The teasing and joking...the touching.

Morgan never expect them to be friends, let alone get this close.

They sleep in same bed for heaven's sake.

It hurts to be this close; but he doesn't think he could ever walk away.

He’s bisexual. He’s come to terms with this after a lot of therapy and self reflection. 

So yeah he as a thing for girls and guys, no big deal.  
But there’s being bi and there’s falling for your best friend who may or may not be straight. 

Derek would hate to mess up one of the best friendships he’s ever had because of his feelings. 

He’s okay pining from afar. At least that's what he tells himself.


	4. It Filters Through (Part II)

Morgan's been avoiding Reid all day.

The case was brutal, simplistic and quickly wrapped. All anyone wanted to do was sleep...

Reid stares at the open book on his lap...even if they weren't there long, all cases had some effect on them. There was always some parent missing a child, child missing parent, sister, brother, loved one.

He couldn't sleep; the cogs were turning in his head.

He looks across the plane at Morgan, whose shoulders slump as he cranks the volume on his ipod. Reid wants go over to Morgan and hug him, snuggle close; he wants to break down the restrictive wall Morgan has erected around himself.

Morgan looks up, catching Reid's eye. Morgan lowers his gaze...wanting to- but instead, he closes his eyes, drowning out the white noise that threaten to drag him under.

 

///

Reid can't stand this any longer.

The pilot tells the team to get ready to land; Reid keeps an eye on Morgan as he packs up his stuff.

Morgan's mouth twitches into a frown as he looks down at his hands.

Reid almost jumps sky high as a hand lands on his shoulder.

"Is everything alright with you and Morgan?" Hotch's voice is kept low, masked by the rumble of the jet's engines.

Reid shakes his head.

"I don't know. Morgan..." Reid's at a loss of words.

Hotch nods.

"I think you two should...talk?" Hotch's voice pulls with an undercurrent of suggestion as he arches a brow.

Reid nods slowly, his heart fluttering in his stomach.

"But isn't that against some kinda-"

"Reid, the B.A.U is a fine institution, but some of the policies aren't very... logical." Hotch picks his words carefully. "You can't restrain the heart. I don't have a problem with it...just don't let Strauss get wind of it and we're all fine." A small smile twitches on the edge of Hotch's mouth as Reid lets out a breath he didn't even know he was holding.

"Thanks Hotch." Reid says and Hotch claps him on the shoulder.

"Sulking does not become him." Hotch rolls his eyes and Reid snorts.

They all pack up to go.

Reid hangs back, waiting for Morgan to exit the plane.

Morgan looks up, and is shocked to see Reid waiting.

"Kid?" His heart speeds...why is this so hard? Because he knows this is something he should not want.

"I- could you take me...home?" Reid asks hopefully, clutching his Go bag nervously.

Morgan gives a small smile.

"Sure." He reaches to grab Reid's bag from him and their fingers brush-Morgan has to steady his breath as he takes it.

The ride is silent, uncomfortable as Morgan stares straight ahead. Reid looks over at him.

If he doesn't make the first move, they'd never get anywhere.

"Morgan, did I do something wrong?" His voice soft as he bites his lip.

"What- no Kid, you-" Morgan blinks as he looks over at Reid. "It's not you." he concedes.

"Then what is it? You've been avoiding me all day and I can't help but think that-" Reid's words tumbles out.

"Pretty Boy, it's not you." Morgan cuts him off, steady, calm.

Morgan pulls over, and turns off the car. His hands rest on the steering wheel as his face turns red.

"Morgan?" Worry creeps into Reid's voice.

Morgan closes his eyes and sighs.

"Ki- Reid."Morgan swallows, a look of pain stretches tight across his face. "I-I feel like Carl." Morgan looks up, to see Reid staring. He looks away first, body trembling.

"What? You're nothing like him." Reid says, panic rising.

"I am...I-"his voice shakes. "I keep thinking...and- six years, I'm just as disgusting! I'm just as bad."Morgan chokes as he breaks down and cries. Doubled over, gasps for breathe.

"Morgan." Reid says, touching Morgan softly on the shoulder. Morgan jerks as if burned.

"MORGAN LOOK AT ME!" Reid yells, voice stern and hard.

Morgan lifts his head slowly. He feels exposed. Raw. Vulnerable.

"Morgan, this is the last time I'm going to say this. You. Are. NOTHING. Like Carl. Got it?" Reid hisses.

Morgan stares at him blankly.

"Now, we're going to try this again. Morgan, what's wrong?"

Morgan's chest heaves, his eyes sliding closed again, he lets his head loll against the headrest.

"You're my best friend, you do know that right?" Morgan says tiredly.

"Yeah, same to you." Reid says quickly.

"I feel like I'm taking advantage of you."Morgan takes deep breaths as he opens his eyes. Ready to push through this.

"I- keep having thoughts about us...and it's wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't be having those thoughts about my best friend. And even if...there was some way- there's...I'm way older than...I'm just like him." Morgan chokes on another sob.

"Morgan? You do know that six years really isn't that much of an age difference. Especially considering I'm way past the age of consent." Reid arches a brow. Morgan frowns.

"The "Kid" thing- that's a moniker- a pet name. That does not indicate any perversion on your part. If I was offended, I would say something. I like it...you're the only one who can get away with that you know?" Reid gives a small laugh. Morgan gives a weak smile.

"And have you ever considered the possibility that I could have those same feelings in return?" Reid presses.

Morgan looks at him.

"But you're str-"

"No. You assume my sexuality, or sexual preference. Just like I did you." Reid says quietly. "It doesn't help that this scares me to death.. . I mean to have those feelings and not know what the other person's thinking?" Reid frowns a bit.

"I like you Derek. And-"Reid's cut off as Derek leans in to kiss Reid chastely on the lips.

Morgan pulls back and smiles.

"The Dr. Spencer Reid speechless for once?" Morgan chuckles as Reid rolls his eyes.

He kisses Morgan back, except it's deeper this time. Sweet, hard and soft at the same time. Reid groans softly and Morgan takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss-

It's hard, silky, soft and mind blowing as they imagined it should be.

Reid pulls back, gasping for air...

"You're not Carl." He pants as he stares Morgan in the eyes.

Morgan nods, shaking.

Morgan smiles as he buckles back up and gets ready to take Reid home.

He's no Carl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read. Let me know what you think.


End file.
